“Down in Florida, February, the sun it always shines bright. It’s a Spring Training a Spring Training a Spring Training delight!”
-Childhood Elementary School Music Hour Awesome Calypso Jam
It is that time of year again everyone. The grass is growing, the sun is shining, and those sweet Florida oranges are ripe for the picking. Unfortunately, I am stuck in Toronto and will be left freezing with nothing but my delicious Tim’s Steeped Tea to both quench my thirst, and prevent internal freezing.
This year pitchers and catchers report to formulate relationships on their respective team alongside everyone else’s “love it or hate it” relationship building holiday, Valentine’s Day.
That got me thinking about relationships, and as it turns out, relationship storylines at Spring Training are a parallel to the love-life drama that we ourselves live, and allow to be grossly magnified this time of year.
On that note I give you:
“Spring Training Scenarios: Baseball’s Love Doctor”
Scenario 1: “I’m Going to String Them Along for A Couple of Months, Just So No One Gets Hurt”
In the wise words of Justin Long, “He’s just not that into you.” Like stringing along a bad date, or a relationship simply in worse nuclear fallout than the latest Xbox shoot-‘em-up, every year we see a GM bring in a non-roster invitee full of delusions of grandeur who somehow cracks the Starting 5. The player’s actions soon after make it abundantly clear that The GM and coach really should have cut ties earlier on in this relationship, and saved further damage.
Sorry Dana Eveland, but you can now go and gossip over a cosmopolitan with Tomo Ohka, and Victor Zambrano about how you were the best thing that was ever thrown away by the Jays. And while you’re at it, learn to pitch.
Scenario 2: “I Bought You This Pricey Gift, But Man I Saw This Ending Differently In My Head. Now, Where Is My Credit Card and That Receipt?”
Everyone out there has fallen victim to “over-gifting” in hopes that that either makes up for lost points, or gets you miles ahead of the game in points. But sometimes, this is just a bad play on any relationship. Like buying diamonds for that special someone whose alarm goes off every morning to the Huey Lewis’ classic “Hip to Be Square,” sometimes a player’s performance just doesn’t put out to the dollars you put up. Barry Zito, Kevin Brown, Dontrelle Willis, Gil Meche, I’m looking at all of you squares on this one.
Scenario 3: “The Romanticized Return”
Whether it is being swept off your feet, riding off into the sunset, sailing away in a yacht, or some other action verb involving some other exorbitant noun this is the dream that there are hopes of making a reality starting on the weekend of the 14th.
As fans of baseball, it is in similar hopes and fantasies that our once promising frontline starters come back from their injuries to fulfill all of their major league dreams.
Skip the chocolates, flowers and Hallmark cards for me and other Jays fans. My romantic dreams involve a Jesse Litsch bulldog-like return to the mound, and a Dustin McGowan pitch where his arm does not separate from his body and hit JPA’s face behind the plate. We saw it last year, as Shaun Marcum returned to strike us with cupid’s arrow and become the staff ace. But, we have also seen BJ Ryan return to such horrendously foul play that by the end he could not even make the Cubs.
Here’s to hoping that we get our “Danielle-Steel-novel-like-storyline” out of this year’s crop!
Scenario 4: “Positions Ready!”
There’s a Pitcher. There’s a Catcher. Enough said.
Now that we have that down, cue Barry White.
Happy Love Day, and Happy Spring Training. Now, let’s all go out and buy a rose and a New Era hat, because it is game time!
